I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
they need to just BURY HIM!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Randomize
