The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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