you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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