having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
smell my finger.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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