Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
