You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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