There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone came in the potted fern
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
