Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I touched a dick in church today
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
