Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
