i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
