He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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