well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
