I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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