Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
