On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
