oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
