I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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