I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
