the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You smell like stripper and shame
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
