i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
