My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
