I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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