The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
