I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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