Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
