If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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