he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
