walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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