he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize