she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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