you didnt know i had herpes?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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