Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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