She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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