he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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