There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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