I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
