just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
