Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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