This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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