Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
