Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize