Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Randomize
