I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
