Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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