rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
is that a dick in a sweater?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
