My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
