I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
