I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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