My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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