I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
