dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
