life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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