I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
