hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
