She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
