OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
