Moan for me like Helen Keller
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
