i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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