I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
