Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
