peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
