walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
